It is national karaoke week. I sang karaoke once. I sang Garth Brooks' "Friends In Low Places". It was truly unforgettable. On the way back to my table and the relative security of the darkness I heard one girl say to the other, "Isn't that the guy from American Idol?" and her friend answered, "Yeah...yeah he's the guy that wore the Gecko suit that cried when security banged his head against the door..."  This one incident is probably why now I have no problem speaking in front of hundreds of people. Nothing and I mean nothing can be as bad as that one song, sung in front of 50 people. When I hear that song on the radio now I begin weeping uncontrollably. If I'm driving I am forced to pull over. In fact I just vomited in my mouth a little simply thinking about it....

Not only can't I speak Spanish, I evidently can't speak flora either. I told my wife that I mentioned to everyone at City Hall about how proud she was of her chlamydia and that she gave some to my mom once and if they were interested she could give them some. I also told her how I had explained to them that she had two different types that she got at Walmart. The color drained out of her face. Apparently Chlamydia and Clematis are not the same thing. Who knew..... Now, when we are in the yard, I always complement her on her chlamydia..... Man, she can fling a dirt clod like nobody's business.

Why do I know girl stuff? And no.... I'm not gay. Not that that would be a bad thing (well I guess it would be for DG), I'm just not.  So find another reason.

• Why do I know that the front of a woman's dress from waist to neck and sleeve to sleeve is the bodice? I don't sew. I didn't take home economics. My mom nor my wives were seamstress. I can only surmise that I learned it from my paternal grandmother who made quilts, pants, shirts, dresses... you name it she made it. She made Brother Phil and I Jumpsuits one year with dangly women's accent belts. I don't think I ever wore mine (the jumpsuit or the belt). I think Brother Phil wore his belt and jumpsuit though. He was too young to know better. I think Phil's had a silver belt, mine was really really shiny gold. There is actually a website for Jumpsuits, www.jumpsuits.com. (And just for the record since you can't be too careful anymore, up ^ there where I said wives, I'm not talking about plural wives, I'm talking about my first wife and my last wife. Plural wives would never do... I can barely not remember what one wife tells me much less two wives at the same time.)
• Why do I not only know what pin curls and finger waves are but also how to employ them? I knew what bobby pins were really used for when other guys my age were using them to keep from burning their fingers while smoking those "funny cigarettes". Why is that? I may have the answer to this one. I watched both my grandmothers pin curl and finger wave their hair for hours when I was young. I even have my grandma Iva's bobby pin container. It is made from hand turned wood. I believe it belonged to her mother.
• And most importantly why do I know that Toile de Jouy is abbreviated "toile" and then pronounced Twall. Toile is a bolt of cloth or sometimes wallpaper that is usually white or a light pastel color onto which dark black, red, blue or green pastoral themed scenes are embossed, woven or printed. I have no freaking idea how or why I know this...... and I am frightened. What are the chances I was abducted by aliens and forced to watch endless hours of Trading Spaces and Martha Stewart while the anal probe was administered? (Actually DG is the one that took me on the Trading Spaces endless marathon, but it was sans butt probing.)

I took a quiz today at dogster.com to determine what celebrity my dog Jackie emulates. Jackie would be Ellen Degeneres. I just had a mental picture of Ellen sitting on her butt with her feet raised in the air while she used her hands in front of her to drag herself across the carpet.... Hummmph... I didn't even know Ellen had anal gland issues. Click on the image below and discover what nasty habit your pet learned from a celebrity.

Now that I think about it.... Why do I know there is a website for Jumpsuits?