Sometimes I think funny things. Things that make me laugh out loud. I know everyone thinks funny things, and many times they laugh mentally. Lately I have been thinking funny stuff and then really laughing, I'm talking about out loud, from the center of your belly, bang your head against the side window while your driving down the road, tears streaming down your face, laughing. The real deal....

I don't think what I write here is very funny, even when I try. There are way too many filters. I spend most of my blogging time rewriting my thoughts after two or three passes through the filters. Generally sanitized humor is not very humorous. But, if you have any thought of being reelected to a position or any aspiration of someday running for elected office, you are forced to filter all your thoughts and for sure your humor.


The other day I was waiting in Dr. Juan's waiting room. Dr. Juan is the greatest dentist I have ever had the pleasure of visiting. He has never hurt me, not once. Unlike the last dentist I had when I was about 6. I don't remember his name but I'm pretty sure he had a dual practice dentistry and veterinary medicine. He worked on teeth when it wasn't nut cutting season at the ranch. Remember those yank out the tooth pliers they had in the cowboy days? You know the ones... they look like the tongs you use to put the flaming log back in the fire place. I'm pretty sure I saw those coming at me before I passed out... He was the reason I needed a dentist so bad when I found Dr. Juan.

So anyway I'm sitting in Dr. Juan's office and I started to think about owning a goat. I was thinking about how if you had a goat it could eat the grass in the yard and you could dress the goat up in seasonal and holiday outfits. Then people would say, "Look at that interesting goat." instead of, "Look at the crazy guy that has a goat in his yard.".

To celebrate the new year you could slip a little diaper and banner on the goat. The goat probably needs a diaper anyway. At Easter you could dress it in rags and strap a cross to its back, (See I would normally just filter that thought right out. I only left it as an example). It's sarcasm directed at the commercialization of religion. And if you someday try to use this paragraph against me when I run for Governor at least link to the whole blog, I could use the traffic. Ok? Hey it's not any more sacrilegious than celebrating the resurrection of Christ with green plastic grass and chicken eggs delivered by a rabbit... hell you can't get any more pagan than that.... unless the eggs were delivered by Gene Simmons dressed in a bunny suit.

Then for Independence Day you could dress the goat in a red, white and blue top hat and tails just like Uncle Sam. The goat already has the chin whiskers. Then all you need to do is teach the goat to eat a Hotdog with his head up. Most anyone can root around on all fours and eat a Hotdog off a plate, even Brittney Spears and most of the population of Arkansas.... except for the people that live right around Marshall, for those people you would need to cut it up and soak it in corn whiskey.

(Ok, this is where it gets a little weird.)

The goat can't hold the Hotdog because....., correct...., no thumbs. Actually no fingers or palm either. (Which is why you never see a goat with a Palm Pilot and subsequently why they are always late for appointments and get fired for missing meetings.)

What we need here is someone to hold the Hotdog for the goat. We should run an ad in the paper:

Wanted gentle individual experienced in holding goats Hotdog. Compensation commensurate with experience.

Needless to say, that is as far into the holidays as I got.... because thats when I laughed out loud. No.... Really out loud. Yes, it was a full voiced belly laugh. I may have blown a snot bubble (filter again), I don't know. I only know that I thought it was really funny, and I think I even hugged myself and thrashed around a bit for being so remarkably funny.

The only other patient in the waiting room was a lady that was sitting two seats over and she had been quietly reading. When I laughed she didn't even look toward me she just grabbed her purse off the floor, pulled it closely to her chest and got up and moved closer to the receptionist desk. What kind of world do we live in where people are afraid of a guy laughing out loud and hugging himself? What ever happened to people being happy when someone else is happy.

So just remember from here on out that this crap I write about would be much funnier if you were in my mind where there are no filters. I welcome you to visit my mind anytime but remember to close the door behind you, watch your step and be careful of the goat because we never bought the diaper.

And just like Tom Bodett and Motel 6, "We'll leave the light on for you". But of course it will only be a night light and it will be at the other end of the hall where it will be absolutely no help in finding the bathroom door at three in the morning.