Let me backup a bit to last night.

After the fiasco at the Physicians Assistant's Office I just wanted the heck out of OKC and to get back to my darling wife and four furry daughters. So I didn't really feel like looking around for somewhere to eat. Plus I'm not real big on the "Lonely Guy" reenactment when I get a table for one at a sit down restaurant. So I decide that in an effort to be quick, I would just stop at the McDonalds on the turnpike between OKC and Chickasha.

In hindsight this was a bad idea on many levels. The least of which was that by pulling into that drive thru I broke a promise to God I had made about eight months ago.

In the spring I was sitting in line at the Mcdonalds on Sheridan to get some fries and a double cheeseburger off the dollar menu and after I placed my drive thru order I pulled toward the first window as instructed. As I approached a fast moving 1980's Buick four door with gang bangers hanging out the window flew by me on the right flashing gang signs toward the payment and pickup windows. Then suddenly there were multiple arms sticking out the payment and pickup windows flashing gang signs back toward the car.

There were two options at this point. Option one was to punch it and try to outrun the Buick to the exit. In retrospect this would have probably been the choice to take....but... the bangers in the Buick were sitting in the window openings and between flashing signs and try to keep their pants up they had no way to hold on as the car went careening over the speed bumps. No less than three bangers were most certainly doomed to road rash and broken bones. And if I were to run over one of them, I wanted no part of the, "I'm hurt, now I have to either cry or shoot someone.", scene. Bangers will generally choose the shoot someone plan. Sadly they all found a last minute handhold and were last seen headed toward the GangDonalds on Cache Road.

So I went with option two which was to quickly bow my head and ask God to deliver me from the forces of evil and in return I would never go to a GangDonalds ever again. "God, I know this isn't a good place to be and could even be deadly, plus all this gang stuff is kinda scary too. If you will just let me live I will never, ever patronize a Gangdonalds again. Except of course this time because I have already ordered and that would be rude to just drive away without paying. And then if I pay I might as well eat the stuff because my mom always told me that wasting food while there are hungry people in the world is a sin."

And it came to pass that God saw fit to let me live another bunch of days. A bunch of days spent getting sausage biscuits from Burger King or "Honey Butter Chicken Biscuits" from Whataburger. And all was well until last night.

A quick stop on the highway so I could get home to my wife.... I had the best intentions in the world. Surly God will see the efficiency of this decision. Plus this might be a real McDonalds with no gangs and food that looks like the pictures on the sign.

Twas not to be.

• Never eat McDonalds or GangDonalds in the dark. I was in the truck and couldn't turn the light on because it would ruin my night vision. (what little I have now). Did you know that when they make a french fry out of the green eye of the potato and you bite into it, it actually tastes green. Blechhhhh, not only does it taste green it is one of those tastes that just kinda hangs around in your mouth for a few hours.
  
  
  
• Always eat GangDonalds french fries first while they are hot. They are best served hot. Actually they are only edible when they are hot. When they cool off they taste remarkably like strips of toilet paper tube soaked in warm pig fat that have been left on the cabinet to congeal. And when you eat them hot, please understand that GMac's idea of hot and yours and my idea of hot are two completely different things. You and I believe hot to be a temperature of about 160 degrees. Hot enough you can still chew them while not letting them touch your tongue until multiple inhales and exhales while holding them suspended in your teeth has cooled them sufficiently to allow them to be savored and swallowed. GMac on the other hand believes that anything short of the ambient temperature of Hell is "not quite ready". A fresh fry from GMac held to the forehead will actually cause a burn that is comparable in tissue damage to that burn you ladies get on your forehead from the curling iron while getting ready. I think you could save time and money by just sending your partner to GMac's for a large Fry and use them to curl your hair. Just roll them up and let them set. Roll those curls out brush the salt from your hair and the fries will be cool enough to eat.
  
  
  
• Disregard the item above.... I lied.... humans cannot eat GMac's fries straight out of the fryer. Never eat GMac's fries first they are too hot and very few people have the asbestos fimbels (thimbles for your fingers) required to ward off the damaged to your flesh. There is no "in between" or happy medium. Unless you have the required equipment they are either too cold or too hot. Deal with it.
  
  
  
• What is the deal with their Quarter PounderWith Cheese? The pickle and ketchup are warmer than the meat. The meat seems like your grandmother cooked a frozen patty in the microwave on defrost and served it to you. It is not warm all the way through and it is still kinda full of melted ice crystals. You can probably pick the patty up and squeeze a cup of tepid water from inside. I know about grandma's microwave meats because we went to her house for thanksgiving one year and she made Banquet microwave chicken. We all sat down and filled out plates with all kinds of good side dishes and then grabbed some chicken. I bit into the thigh and it was still partially frozen on the very inside. When I tore off a hunk and started chewing and the ice crystals were crunching in my mouth like I was eating a snow cone. (Because that is what you do when you are a good grandson you eat it regardless of taste, smell or proper consistency.) And the cheese is horrible. It is limp and almost gooey no mater what the temperature. It just flops around looking for something to stick to.....

My thought was to simply stuff it all back in the bag and hurl it out the window because the smell of cold GMac's food is sickening. But I didn't. I took the high road and kept it in the truck with me for the rest of the trip. (I was forced to crack a window.) I stopped at the GangDonalds on Cache Road and skipped the ordering area and drove straight to the payment window and handed the bag to the "no change counting" girl in the money window and said. "I ordered this by mistake." and drove away. I prayed a short prayer asking for forgiveness and that God not punish me any further and I thought that squared me with God.

But when I arrived home my wonderful wife said, "My hair is falling out in clumps and I suddenly have some age spots on my face. What do you think could cause that to happen?"

I do not know what the correct answer would have been. I don't know if it even required a real answer. It could very well be that it was one of those questions geared to determine if you are stupid enough to try to answer.

What I can tell you is that, "Well honey as for the age spots Foreman Scotty would have said it looks like you fell into a freckle barrel. And as far as the hair falling out thing, I guess it could be the start of menopause.", is not.... I repeat ... not.... the correct answer.

It appears that God doesn't think he and I are square yet.