Damnit....

Now I can't go to Sam's Club alone anymore.

I should have known better.

I can't go to the Oklahoma State Fair for the same reason. Well, actually there is more than one reason I can't go to the fair alone. But for the purpose of this post we will address only one of the reasons.

I have absolutely no ability to resist those "demonstration" booths. If they had a demonstration selling edible, live slugs I would be right there at the head of the line. It would be a short line but I would be there in the front.

So.... I'm in Sam's and low and behold, there's a guy giving away a free paring knife (a $5 value), and all you need to do to get the free paring knife (a $5 value) is to watch his 5 minute demonstration. Plus, if you're one of the first twenty people at his booth, you get a second free paring knife (another $5 value). I'm game... Five minutes of my time for two free paring knives. (a $10 value). I'm doing the math... divide $10 by 5 minutes and you get $2 per minute... You dang right I can stand in front of a booth with my mouth hanging open in awe while some stranger professes the benefits of the "product I can't live without". What the product actually is, doesn't matter... I'm talking $2 a minute.... that's $120 dollars an hour, for just standing around listening to someone talk.

I had no idea that the demonstration was going to involve knives. Knives are my downfall, my Achilles Heal. I never met a knife I didn't like... at least kitchen and pocket knives... and...well this was not a demonstration of just any old kitchen knife.

This was a demonstration of the "Forever Sharp" Platinum Series knives. Yep...the one that cuts a tomato so thin that you read the newspaper through it. Yep... the one that when you get tired of sawing on the head of a hammer you could still cut bread so thin it explains how Jesus fed over four thousand people with just seven loaves.

I'm hooked... I had one of these when they called them Ginsu Knives and they had a black handle. I never cut a tin can with mine or felt the need to saw on a hammer but I must admit that they were pretty good knives.

These are even better.... they are Stainless from end to end.... and that means what??? That's right they're shiny.



And how much are they asking for this knife that will stay sharp until the end of time, you may ask????

ONLY $39.33 that's less than 40 bucks...... that's right.... less than the cost of a sexy pair of sexy high heeled Converse women's tennis shoes.

I'm in.... but what is Lynna going to say when I show up with a less than $40 knife. Well.... I can show her the two free paring knives but I still don't think she will go for the deal.

I turn to leave and he says.... "That's not all." I should just keep walking but my brain shuts down and I just stare at the guy and begin drooling from the corners of my open mouth.... Because "That's not all" means THERE IS MORE.....

That right you got two free pairing knives, a Forever Sharp kitchen knife and they are throwing in an additional Forever Sharp kitchen knife. But that's not all, your friends will be envious of your Forever Sharp kitchen knife so they are throwing in a third Forever Sharp kitchen knife so you can give it to your friend as a gift.

Now my eyes are rolling back into my head, I'm slobbering and I'm swaying back and forth. I look like a preacher at one of those Churches where they pass snakes around. But instead of snakes I had a free paring knife in each hand.... holding it aloft and testifying.....

It is going at a frenzied pace now... This guy is adding stuff to the deal faster than I can figure it out.... "Not only do you get a third Forever Sharp kitchen knife, I'm throwing in this fillet knife and two Forever Sharp paring knives.

Ok... the addition of two more free paring knives sent me over the edge... I reached into my pocket and started throwing money onto the demonstration table... shoving bills into his hands with total abandon with one hand and grabbing a set of knives with the other...it was like a strip club.... except without the boobs and the pole.... and the music... Ok it wasn't like a strip club except for the lack of control on the part of the "patron".

He began shoving the money back into my hands and shirt pocket and kept insisting that I pay for the knives up front...... and then he said.... "and just for watching this demonstration I am going to throw in three juicers."

This was more than I could take in.... will it ever end.... I turned with my box of knives and began to stumble my way to the front of the store when I heard the knife man say....

"Sir, sir the first three people that buy a knife also get a free Euro Chopper.

I woke up in the parking lot. I had a box of knives, 3 juicers and a Euro chopper on my chest and a receipt for $42.67..... $39.33 plus tax in my shirt pocket.

So to sum it up.....

One Forever Sharp Kitchen Knife $39.33

Two FREE Forever Sharp Kitchen Knives

One FREE Forever Sharp Fillet Knife (tomato not included)

Two FREE Forever Sharp Paring Knives

Two More FREE Forever Sharp Paring Knives

Three Juicers (lemon not included)

And a Euro Chopper (diced stuff not included)

I actually think that the Euro Chopper is the only thing that kept Lynna from killing me. She likes things that chop and dice....

All in all I think it was worth being banned from Sam's.