Fever
Runny Nose
Achy
Scratchy Throat
Headache
Sneezing

If I was still a little guy, my mom would make me a tent and fire up the vaporizer. Mom cured many ailments with a tent made from a sheet a vaporizer and a little Mentholatum crammed up your nose. I think she even cured a hairline fracture in Phillip's left femur using this same treatment.

There little Phillip was sitting in his room with his leg and the vaporizer in a little tent. Mom had smeared some Mentholatum under his knee cap and kept him stocked up on 7-up and saltine crackers. The vaporizer - tent treatment only works if you supplement it with clear soda and crackers.

I don't have a vaporizer and now they won't let you slather the inside of your nose with Mentholatum. Because and I quote:

"The petrolatum base might accumulate in the lungs and cause inflammation called chemical pneumonitis."

If that were true then Phillip and I would have died by the time we were 10 years old.

I will be over here in the corner suffering from a coma brought on by:

Acetaminophen 1300 mg , Phenylephedrine Hydrochloride 20 mg ,
Acesulfame Potassium , Citric Acid , D&C Yellow No. 10 , FD&C Yellow
No. 6 , Flavors , Lecithin , Maltodextrin , Silicon Dioxide , Sodium Citrate,
Starch , Sucrose , Tribasic Calcium Phosphate

Because somehow that is safer than Mentholatum.