This was originally written shortly after the actual events. I found it in an old email and thought it would shed a little light on my life and my luck.

The Setting:
Quiet Lawton neighborhood

The Players:
Somewhat accident prone homeowner - Randy
Randy's beautiful, loving and very OCD Wife - Dream Girl 
(If cleanliness is next to Godliness, DG is the Mother Teresa of Soft Soap.)

Our story opens with DG and Randy putting the finishing touches on a bedroom remodel:

Randy: “ got the blinds hung what else can I do to help?”

DG: “I’m just going to finish the touch up on the trim. You can cut out that piece of carpet in the dining room. ”

(With all the rain the dogs refuse to pee outside and have decided that the dining room carpet is the next best thing. We had decided to remove the carpet but had not had time to load out the room. So there is an area in the corner of the dining room that has had 5 of 6 “accidents” cut out of the carpet. Until last night it looked just like the state of Texas, now it resembles the Yucatan Peninsula with some salsa on the side.)

Randy: “I’ll get right on it…”

(Randy begins cutting out a square of carpet in the dinning room, using a really great new knife he purchased during one of his 200 recent trips to Lowes. All is going well until it is time to cut the left hand side of the square. Rather than change position Randy decided to change the hand that was holding the knife and doing the cutting. Randy noticed a possibly dangerous situation. If the knife were to slip while cutting toward himself, he might stab himself in the stomach or worse yet the groin. To avert this danger, did he circle around and use his right hand to cut away from his body? No, of course not that would be the “non manly” thing to do. He simply shifted to the right a bit and spread his legs even further apart. Using this, “manly”, front heavy teetering stance he began cutting the left side of the square with his totally uncoordinated left hand. A hand that is so uncontrollable it can’t even be used to apply pressure to a wound, as will be seen shortly.)

Randy: “@#$%#$ son of a #$#$@^ @%$!#”

DG (from the bedroom): “What happened? ”

Randy: “I’m kinda bleeding. ”

DG (from the bedroom): “How bad? ”

Randy: “When I took the knife out of my leg it kinda spurted blood on the wall and the carpet and my shoes. You might want to take me to the hospital. ”

DG (walking toward Randy): “Let me see. ”

Randy: “If I take my hand away the blood sprays all over the wall I’m telling you, see. ”

DG: “Oh @#$^& ”

Randy: “I’ll say”

DG: “Get in the car”

Randy: “I can’t really walk because I’m kinda bent over holding my right hand to the wound because when I tried to use my left hand to stem the flow of blood my shoe filled up and started running onto the carpet…..” (stupid left hand)

DG: “Ok I’ll call an ambulance….”

Randy: (Randy knows when they dispatch the ambulance they will probably also dispatch fire rescue. Randy is a City Councilman and knows the firemen well. If fire shows up there will eventually be laughter and photos of him bent over like he was “playing bloody twister” sent to every email address in the city.) “No I’ll make it to the car.”

DG brings Randy a roll of paper towels and disappears…..
Randy holds the paper towels to his leg using his “smart” right hand and tries to make it to the door while bent at the waist holding his left ankle with his right hand.
Then Randy hears it….. the sound of DG washing her hands……. Randy may bleed to death but by God DG will have clean hands.

Posted by Randy at 8:03 AM 3 comments Links to this post